“My First Kiss & My First Love”
For me the two were not the same and happened at very different points in my life. I’ll start with my first kiss. This event wasn’t even worth writing home about. I was 17, fresh out of high school. My boyfriend, if that’s what you want to call him was also unimpressive when I look back now. I know that’s harsh. Because of that I won’t name him. The kiss alone was enough to say, stop, step back! It was so sloppy. I know, being my first kiss, how do I know I wasn’t just as bad? One thing I knew then was that a good kiss doesn’t mean saliva all over my mouth. I remember how grossed out I felt. Even though it didn’t any further than that, I wanted to go home and shower because I felt just that yucky. I remember thinking, hoping that everyone wasn’t like that or I just won’t be kissing ever again! No bells ringing, no foot in the air, nothing. Just a shudder of disgust.
Now when we start discussing my first love, that’s a totally different story. How different the beginning was, the ending was not that far from different. Let me share the experience. We met in high school. We were really great friends. Late night conversations, talks about my boyfriends and his girlfriends. To say we had some stories to tell is putting it mildly. I always valued our friendship. That to me was always special. Even to this day, (even though he may not know it). I didn’t even realize I felt other feelings for him until one day he came home from California. He was there for me when a friend from church was killed on Christmas Eve night. He was there when I needed him most. Then I realized not only were my feelings there, but his too. Of course my family loved him too. When he came back home in the spring, I was ecstatic. By the end of the visit, we were officially engaged.
That excitement was very short lived. It was probably the shortest engagement in history. No, I won’t share the details because I respect his privacy. However, I will tell you, by the time his ship hit international waters, I was crushed and heart-broken. Never before or after had I felt so bad and lost. I just couldn’t believe it, the shock of the words he spoke to me before boarding his ship. Anyone that knows me knows I LOVE my Army men and Marines. At that moment though, I felt hatred for the military. Was disgusted at the entire situation, including myself for allowing myself to fall that deeply, that quickly. To say that was over is an understatement.
Fast forward just past 12 years or so. We tried again. Simply put, it didn’t work. Once again, I won’t share the details for his privacy. I can say this though, my heart was not breakable this time. Hurt yes, breakable, no. This was the one person that I ever gave a second and third chance to. The one person that just by hearing his voice, my heart skips a beat. The one person, I would have relocated for. The one person, I can run across a letter, a picture, and be like wow. The one person that have me saying “Shoulda Woulda Coulda” even though I know it’s not healthy.
That first kiss with him was special. I shuddered in awe, even had a slight giggle, could see stars and the whole nine. Yet, it ended just as abruptly as the first kiss.